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Showing posts with the label InnerThoughts

Tired and ranting

It's been months and many have happened and my life is hitting rock bottom.

I tried to enter 2017 with positivity. I tried. really hard.

Initially it seemed great. Like I could do it, and things will go okay. All those shitty positive vibes.

firstly, I was offered to enter the prev company I was working in. One of the reasons I left was because of the management. But since they have changed the CEO , which the director herself, and she herself requested that I joined them again, So I did.

They promised lots of things and cut the story short, their business has to end, and I had to go, despite everything else promised.

and now I am stuck with no job and worrying my heart out for our finacial status.

Now Im ot gonna dwell so much on their attitudes, the betrayal, the chronism, the shitty peoples ive met.. Cause well, I cant change them and shits happened. and now I am hitting rock bottom.

god I havent felt so low for such a long long time.

Ive been to 5 interviews, got 1 job offer a…

i am not a minion

I had to attend a 3 days course for training under the insurance company.  it was a compulsory course, so i really had no choice. 
unfortunately, the 1st day that i attended the course was also the first day Amna fell sick.  She has contracted it from Ayra, who fell sick few days earlier.  They showed the exact same symptoms: vomitting, peristently high fever and they said their neck is painful. we assumed it's the throat? we have brought Ayra to the doctor and doc diagnosed her with stomach flu. which was caused by virus. so it will eventually resolve on its own.
but it was sad that Amna had to fall sick when I wasn't around.  both my parents in law came to help with the children.  But Amna was very clingy and she only wanted to hug her Nena instead. i felt so bad for not being able to attend to her. poor girl.
the course took long hours. from 9 am till 7pm. imagine that. and it was conducted in KL, which is far far away from where i live. i had to go through massive traffic…

October's decision

1.10.2015 the day that i finally submitted the dreadful letter.
i have been praying, asking for guidance, for more than a year. guidance from Him, to lead me to the path that will be good for me, my Islam, my family.
things were not going so well in the office. politics. drama. impression. power
lately those are coming to the surface. work is no longer fun. i dont feel the barakah in it. i feel..dissatisfaction. regret. 
i didnt know i would be happy to send it in. even though i dont know what to do yet. but, i strongly believe that Allah's rezq is everywhere. all we have to do, is to keep on searching and put on effort.
May Allah ease my way, our way.

Natural, Gentle, Pro Choice Birth

Homebirth, natural birth, gentle birth,hospital birth.
Many definitions to accompany each words.  I'm sure u can google it up anytime anywhere. So i am not going to elaborate them here.
The aim is provide mothers with the choice of natural, spirit-uplifting birth. Choice to deliver the baby, in a safe, peaceful, reliable, condition. Of course we like that don't we?
Birth in hospital does not mean it is not natural, nor gentle. And birthing at home does not mean it is gentle either, if the mother or father or the assistant does not have any medical professional knowledge. Without knowledge and expertise, danger is the correct word.
And stop comparing to those safely delivered in perkampungan orang asli. Their way of living itself is different. When making comparison, u have to have similar sets of condition. One cannot simply compare between an apple with a mango. or a bee with a fly. Or men vs women. 
Ultimately, despite our choice of baby delivery, our goal is.. to deliver…

How do i do this

She is fine and happy.
As usual. It's me who is not fine. I have headaches and migraine.
Im afraid my bp is going up from all the stress. Her health. Works. Datelines. I cannot stop thinking and analyzing. And the 'what if' of 1001 possibilities. Whenever i look at her, peace.
When i start to think, i get emotional. I dont want to have fun without her,without them.
I feel guilty if i do. As if im not doing a good job as a mom. U know, mom should worry alot. As if i dont yet.huh Work can take my mind off the anxiety but when the org ats is asking too much out of me, i get all fed up. Like i want to stop everything and just be with them. The children of cos. Sometimes i wish i can be stay at home mom. i fit for that? It is a tough job. Tougher than doing what im doing. I dont know how to contain my thoughts. And anxiety. I am.... Uncontrolled. My thoughts are scattered and shattered.

my so-called azam

so it is the new year of 2015.  look at the time. as if i just gave birth to Amna and suddenly she's One.
2014 was not a good to Malaysia, in general. to me, 2014 has been.. a mixture of feelings.
basically, reminiscing the year of 2014: work: work has been stressful with corporate world that i am not accustomed to,  and all the ups and downs and the blacks and blues. i had a roller coaster ride in my work life and somehow rather, i think i grew as a person, as a leader. Allah has His plans ready, and yes, i fell, but i got up and move on and believe in what He has planned. it was difficult, but i did my best in the best way i could and rely only to Him. alhamdulillah, ending of 2014 did show the fruit of the effort.  but, great titles and salaries and whatnot comes with a great responsibility.  nothing is free ait? so, as stressful as it may seem, or sound, i just need to do the best with all capabilities i have. but, Family always comes first. family: 2014 has been a blessed as…