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Tired and ranting

It's been months and many have happened and my life is hitting rock bottom.

I tried to enter 2017 with positivity. I tried. really hard.

Initially it seemed great. Like I could do it, and things will go okay. All those shitty positive vibes.

firstly, I was offered to enter the prev company I was working in. One of the reasons I left was because of the management. But since they have changed the CEO , which the director herself, and she herself requested that I joined them again, So I did.

They promised lots of things and cut the story short, their business has to end, and I had to go, despite everything else promised.

and now I am stuck with no job and worrying my heart out for our finacial status.

Now Im ot gonna dwell so much on their attitudes, the betrayal, the chronism, the shitty peoples ive met.. Cause well, I cant change them and shits happened. and now I am hitting rock bottom.

god I havent felt so low for such a long long time.

Ive been to 5 interviews, got 1 job offer and I turned it down because the logistic and the condition of the place that I was supposed to work in: horrible. really2 bad toilet, gosh I had to pee someone else. the smell, the location, the pantry, even the surau. I went for two days and then I declined. and Tawakal that Allah will give me something else. thank god they didnt issued my offer letter yet, so basically i didnt go against anything. i only worked for free for the 2 days i went there. well, whatever.

you know what i feel now? i feel tired. not just physically, but mentally too.

i am tired of worrying.
tired of thinking too much
tired of what if
tired of thinking of what i should do, who should i approach
tired of calculating the expenses that i should cut back
tired of holding back my tears
tired of being strong or pretend to be strong
tired of feeling like im not good enough (esp after interview sessions)
tired of being positive.

cause everything seems bleak and i am trapped.
i feel lost, trapped, in the dark

i sound so  negative and hey, can i just be one for now?
cos i was positive but it didnt get me anywhere!
in fact, people took advantage of me and i am here now.

i want to sleep and sleep and sleep and it's been a month of me, like this.

how do they do it?
how they find out their ways?


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